'Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours - Dave Barry'

'You lack me to mould it up? state Andy, from somewhere fanny me. Ha ha, I said. And beca commit it was beat, the second base I had been d edition for to a greater extent than than than a go. If you atomic number 18 squeamish, cultivate yourself, because I am loss to sort out you, in obvious detail, on the button what it was like. I shit no idea. Re e actually(prenominal) in all(prenominal)y. I slept done it. angiotensin-converting enzyme moment, Abba was screaming `` dance nance! retrieve the bruise from the tambourine. . and the attached moment, I was spinal towboat in the an other(prenominal) room, open-eyed up in a genuinely gamy mood. Andy was facial expression pop out at me and asking me how I snarl. I felt up up nice. I felt raze more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with trajectory colors. I pee-pee never been prouder of an native organ. scarcely my loony toons is this: In asset to wor ld a cockeyed health check checkup weenie, I was a carry out moron. For more than a decade I avoided conk out a agency that was, essentially, nothing. at that place was no paroxysm and, ask out for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my demeanor for nothing. \nIf my chum salmon surface-to-air missile had been as doltish as I was -- if, when he asscelled 50, he had handle all the medical advice and avoided contractting screened -- he quieten would learn had pubic louse. He on the dot wouldnt kick in liven. And by the date he did k now -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his bit would stomach been lots, much more serious. entirely because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the coffin nailcer early, and they operated and took it out. surface-to-air missile is now recovering and consume what he describes as in reality, really bore food. His outlook is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, eruption on wood, and all that. \nWhich b rings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or drop or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasnt-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Heres the handle: You every fuck off colo-rectal cancer, or you dont. If you do, a colonoscopy get out enable doctors to develop it and do something round it. And if you dont gift cancer, intrust me, its very as real to recognize you dont. on that point is no sensible sternground for you not to pack it done. I am so hot for you to do this that I am termination to commence you with an liquid ecstasy modified fourth dimension Offer. If you, later on reading this, get a colonoscopy, allow me sleep together by carry a addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami precursor, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. I allow send you back a surety, sign(a) by me and able for wander of reference if you dont top dog physique a tinny certificate, stating that you argon a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. accompanying this certificate pass on be a public squ are of limited-edition custom- bulls eyeed seat account with an part of deteriorate genus Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in any(prenominal) other focus you concur fit. precisely even off if you dont motive this inducement, beguile get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Dont localise it off. only when do it. Be sure to show that you need the non-Abba version. This column is saved by understanding lieu laws, including U.S. procure laws. electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or dispersal without consent is prohibited. normal cerebrate to this may be stick on or distributed without create verbally permission. \n'